More Like Universal SATAN Bus…

Back in October, a group of evangelical Christians in Brazil called the Paz do Senhor Amado (Peace of the Beloved Lord) banned the use of USB connections because they're Satanic.

And what makes them Satanic?

Because the logo looks like a pitchfork (or trident, if you prefer), an implement commonly used by the devil in Christian iconography to torture souls sent to hell.  There are a couple of problems with that.

First, it would be a shitty trident.  One of the points has a square on it and the other has a circle.  It looks more like a device to simultaneously hold a marshmallow, a rice crispy treat, and a … triangle, I suppose … under the chocolate waterfall at the Golden Corral.

Second, there is no mention in the entire Bible of Satan having a trident.  Not one time.  Satan is not actually mentioned very often, and at no point do they bring up any kind of weaponry.  Same goes for the horns, the goat legs, the tail, etc.  In fact, there is no physical description of Satan at all, of any kind, anywhere in that book.  All that classic stuff came about in the Middle Ages, probably when some painter got whacked off his face on laudanum (old-timey heroin) and just made it up.

"YES, this is what he looks like.  Because God came to me in … a dream.  Shut up."

Thirdly, there is and has always been a major logical inconsistency with the story of the Bible, sin, Hell, and Satan.  This logical issue can be explained away with clever theological wordplay, or by admitting that the people who wrote the Bible were ignorant Iron-Age nomadic goatherds with maybe not the best sense of how to write a coherent story.

I'll explain.  We can all agree that, such as they exist as characters, God is good and Satan is bad.  If Satan is bad, then he should wholeheartedly approve of all sinful activity.  If you commit sinful activity, you go to hell.  Where Satan is.  So if you're in hell for doing all this bad shit, shit that Satan watches with glee and — in some cases — actually made you do, why the hell would he punish you?  You're his new best friend!

I see you were quite a fan of premarital sex, eh?  Nice work.

And if he does punish you, then why is he evil?  If God decides what acts are wrong, and that you go to hell for doing them in order to suffer, and Satan is the implementor of that suffering (with USB ports, remember), then Satan is at worst a deputy of God's will.

But let's backtrack.  This "cult" in Brazil — because any self-professed Christian group that the reporter doesn't agree with gets called a cult — now had to replace all their USB stuff.  I'm a reasonably tech-savvy person, I'll grant, but I still have eight USB devices plugged into my computer at home.

So they switched to other stuff.  Like Bluetooth.

Bluetooth is fine, and do you know why?

Because blue is the color of Jesus' eyes.

I know, Giant Stone Jesus.  I know.